Mac and Cheesus
Mac and Cheesus is our Saviour, and through this recipe may you come to Cheesus! Cheesus will take you into their warm embrace and comfort your sinful life. Follow this recipe to achieve enlightened flavor in the ultimate comfort food, all will be forgiven, and you shall never sin again with that boxed heresy!
Ingredients
16 oz Pasta (Cavatappi is best)
1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
6 tbsp butter
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
3 cups whole milk
1 cup heavy whipping cream
4 cups sharp cheddar cheese (shredded)
2 cups Gruyere cheese (shredded)
Pepper
1/2 cup panko crumbs
1/4 cup Parmesan cheese (shredded)
1/4 tsp smoked paprika
Instructions
1. So, like, throw the pasta in a pot of boiling water. Now, don't cook the pasta to death. Soggy pasta is terrible. If you cook it like that, then you're not human! Wait, did you put salt in the water, sigh, start over. Get a big ass pot of water, put salt in it, and bring it to a boil. Put another pound of pasta in the water and pull the pasta out when it is close al dente (a bit crunchy, do I have to spell everything out?). When it is done strain it, put it in a bowl, add the olive oil (to keep it from sticking, learn this stuff), and let the pasta sit to cool off!
2. Grate the cheeses and put them in a bowl and set it to the side. Don’t mix them, what the hell is wrong with you? Yes, they go in the same pot, but not at the same time, and in different places.
3. So mix the parm, smoked paprika, and panko and put them in a bowl for later use!
4. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees
5. Now make a béchamel sauce. Seriously, you don’t know how? Okay, melt the butter in a pot with a medium heat. And mix in the flour and whisk it until it become smooth and golden brown. Then slowest mix in the warmed milk and crème. Add some pepper at this point (you choose the amount). Look at that, you made a béchamel sauce!
6. Continue to whisk the sauce until it starts to bubble. Slowly add the cheddar and gruyere cheese—slowly! Damn, you’re stupid. I did not say dump it in. Okay, okay. Whisk the sauce and make it becomes smooth and creamy and save a little cheese to sprinkle on top of the dish before you put it in the oven. Hmm, I guess you could have mixed the cheese earlier after all.
7. This is the best part, throw all the pasta in the sauce and mix it up. Damn, that looks good!
8. Dump that into a huge oven save bowl. I use an oven safe pot to make the béchamel and just dump the past in the pot and throw that in the oven.
9. Sprinkle the rest of the cheese on top of the dish
10. And on top of that, put the panko/cheese/pap smear (wait, that isn’t right…oh yeah, I meant paprika!) mix!
11. Now, throw it in the oven and let I cook for a half hour. Then eat it, fool.
This is a Jeff Soyster Concoction.
Created for Thanksgiving 2022 as requested by Aliza. The photo above is the third time I made it. My wife says it was the best mac and cheese she has ever had. Of course, she has to say that—we’re married (Legally, I promise!). Please enjoy it, and let me know how it turned out.
Something I learned on the third time cooking this. The cheese matters. I used store brand Cheddar Cheese and the texture was grainy…really weird. So be careful.
